Tuesday, July 21, 2009

When does your luck run out?

As far as I'm concerned, I live a pretty charmed life. I'm not trying to brag. I'm just really grateful that I have so many blessings in my life. I have a so close to perfect husband it's sort of disgusting. I have two amazing kids that I get to say home with and one more on the way. I have a great family and so many wonderful friends. So my question is... when does your luck run out?

I never thought I'd be able to stay home with my kids. Chris and I both always WANTED it that way, but what you want and what you get aren't always the same thing. Scary to think that Ellie being sick as a baby is what lead us to have to make it happen. The sacrifices we made at the time aren't even a big deal now, but at the time they were life changing. How lucky to have a miracle child that has successfully made it through three open heart surgeries with only a few bumps along the way?

How lucky were we that just when we feel like we're going no where financially Chris lands an awesome new job?

Chris and I have always been that kind of couple. Our life together has never been boring. For us, when it rains it pours, but after the rain the rainbow is truly amazing. Everything always happens all at once, for example... last Fall I was 7+ months pregnant, Ellie had her third open heart surgery and we were selling our condo to make the big move to Philly. All very big things in their own right, but I never flinched. I always just "know" things will work out, because they always have for us, but what if some day we aren't so lucky?

I hate that nobody can tell me what the future holds for Ellie. I hate that she probably won't be able to carry children of her own some day. I hate that Chris and I will never be able to let go of the fear we always carry around inside of us, even if sometimes it's buried so deep we think we're fine. I don't really know what my problem is. I don't really have a problem. I am just so ANGRY and scared right now! I wish I had spare dishes to throw on the ground. I think that would make me feel better. Ya know, I think what I hate the most is that even if she never needs another surgery or intervention of any kind in her entire life it won't stop me from worrying. I will never again in my life be 100% okay. The fear and worry will always be there and quite frankly, it makes me tired.


  1. Oh you poor thing. I have some spare plates - want me to come over? Hopefully writing this helped.

  2. I wish we were right down the road again. I sat in the bathroom at work and balled my eyes out. I just wanted to get in the car and drive down there to see you. Be strong Al... we are all praying... I love you guys xoxo